Here is an excerpt from WSh's paper. What are its strengths? How could he empower it?
"Unlike Fulghum's passagem the poem 'In Which the Ancient History I Learn is Not My Own' by Eavan Boland is not very uplifting. In fact, it borders on being tragic. This is because the author, Eavan Boland, is recounting when he was an irish child in an Irish school learning only about England. The message of his poem is that if previous generations of Irish folk had set up a strong national identity and created traditions and sense of individual Irish culture, Boland's experience could have been different. He writes, 'Ireland was far away / and farther away / every year / I was nearly an English child.' It is tragic how previous generations of Irish did not take hold of their culture and identity the way the Cretans did because their inadequacy led to Irish children learning in school about not having a group to identify with. Tradition shaped culture in an unfortunately negative way in this passage."
Will makes some good points though his argument could be much stronger. It seems he is stating and partially explaining without a full analysis. I liked his connections and comparisons, but they were not fully explained. WIth a few more sentences, he could have had a very strong argument though his connections were good.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kyle that Will could have made his argument a bit stronger. He has to finish his arguments better and cement his ideas.
DeleteThanks for the strong input guys. Now that I re-read my passage, I actually agree with y'all's points and my passage felt very broken up instead of being flowing. I will work on that
DeleteI actually disagree and found the passage to be quite flowing. The transition from topic sentence to quote and quotes to analysis was smooth. If assuming your topic sentence relates to the thesis, the your quote and analysis actually relates quite well to the thesis. Keep up the good work next year.
DeleteI really liked the quote Will had and how he followed it up, it really embodied his argument and the explanation of that quote was spot on and really gave me the spin on the idea that he wanted me to gain from the quote. Like Kyle said, he could have filled this paragraph with more detailed explanation of the actual topic.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Connor that the quote was vital to Will's argument. He utilizes the quotes well to craft his argument to its full potential.
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