Here is an excerpt from KR's paper. What are its strengths? How could he empower it?
"In modern China, it is necessary that when one watches out for himself in order to survive daily activities. Such a situation occurs when crossing the street. Joe Bennett described the situation as 'life or death.' Each person fends for himself and the same applies for drivers. 'Your concern is the person in front of you' (Bennett 53). A reference is even made to Charles Darwin, who most definitely realized the importance and strength of the individual. China has grasped that concept as each individual must act in an independent way. Every person is essentially on his own and his survival is therefore determined by himself. This ideal is made clear in a situation as common as traffic. In the battle between cars and pedestrians, the 'pedestrians are weak' (Bennett 53). The stronger individual will win and that trait resonates in all other aspects of Chinese society, aside from traffic. The economy, politics, and social functions all operate on that base ideal regarding the individual."
I think when Kyle added points like "Joe Bennet said" and the quotes he used were powerful, however, i feel like some of his sentences were rashly typed and not read over because some minor mistakes occurred as well did some choppiness. For example when he wrote " it is necessary that when one watches out for himself in order to survive daily activities." After the word necessary it is rough and this easy to make change would help further the writing greatly.
ReplyDeleteKyle had a very strong argument here. His quotes are well placed and applicable and the center of his argument between the two quotes is outstanding. He smartly connected the individualism to other aspects of Chinese culture. However, I don't really like his initial sentences. They had me confused and I think he had the right idea but could have re-worded his argument.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate this feedback. It will definitely help my future writing. I realize that typing fast and not doing a good proofread can really affect how I get my point across. A simple edit can really firm up a paper and improve its grammatics. Thank you for all of these helpful tips.
ReplyDeleteI think the best and most effecitve piece of this essay is the connections to our lives. "This ideal is made clear in a situation as common as traffic." i think that draws in the audience quite well. it allows the reader to relate. He connected Darwin to China effectively too. I think if he supported his second quote with more analysis he could empower the whole paragraph more. the paragraph just seemed to end too quickly. it was kind of abrupt.
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