Here is an excerpt from PD's paper. What are its strengths? How could he improve it?
"In modern China, rebellion, or rather a lack of it, caused conflict. This conflict changed the lives of one man. The man in 'Saboteur' by Ha Jin is an example of how rebellion impacted China. The man verbally rebelled against the Chinese authorities when he was unjustly arrested for only speaking out at a policeman. This cruelty caused the man legal troubles. Just a simple acting against the government is considered unlawful and thus, the 'rebellion' cost him much. 'But you purposely tortured us common citizens' is the extent of the man's rebellion. This rebellion went on to cost the man an arrest and a court date. Demonstrated her is proof of the negative outcome of rebellion in modern China."
Certain parts of the paragraph did not make grammatical sense while the general ideas were quite strong. The main problem I had was the use of the quote. I felt it could have been better utilized to make the example stronger. Although, I like the simplicity of the point as a whole. Talking about 'the man' made the point that much stronger. All in all, it was a great point and was well supported.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, who is PD? The first sentence i feel could be very powerful and mind-changing but the wording and the breaks caused by the commas is kind of strange and it makes the reader reread it for grammatical reasons not for the purpose behind it.Also some points where he put periods i feel like it would be more effective to put commas because the following sentence is adding to the previous, it is not a brand new thought.
ReplyDeleteI think this person could have had a much stronger excerpt, as he was undoubtedly headed in the right direction with his thought process. The structure of the paragraph is strong. However, I think the repetition of "the man" is boring and dull and his overall sentences were too short and choppy.
ReplyDeleteI'm about 50% sure i wrote this, i think the PD was a typo. Kyle, i see those grammar mistakes and i know this must be me. i really should proofread that more. i guess from reading what you guys said, it is mostly my syntax. I should fix up my thoughts. i think it is the fact that my essay goes from my brain to the computer withouth writing, thought, or proofreading. all this requires is for me to spend more time and be careful, not careless.
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