Here is an excerpt from WS's paper. What are its strengths? How could he empower it?
"One aspect of the Japanese wind set is the will to be uniform. In western culture, there is a need for someone to stand out, to outshine the rest of their peers that comes with our devotion to the capitalist system. However, in Japan, it is the opposite, but not due to the economic systems of the country. As 'Japan as a Uniform Culture' says, the stem of the Japanese trait to remain uniform and unnoticed comes from the American occupation of Japan after WWII, where they could not make a false step because an American general was always watching their every move. As the article argues, a sense of anxiety and being watched all the time is present in the Japanese mind,w which has cultivated a love and use of uniform. As the article says, 'Everyone above the rank of carpenter in Japan wears a uniform.' In Japan, the angst caused by the need to fit in is palpable. If they are watched at all times, they need to look their best to all who look their way, including their dress."
The lesser Will made some strong arguments in this excerpt. I particularly enjoyed his connection of the Japanese system to World War 2, as well as his comparison of the Japanese mindset to the American mindset. However, I think Will's quote was somewhat applicable but not very effective. He was essentially just reinforcing an implied statement. Nevertheless, the lesser Will wrote a solid piece here.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this paragraph, things that i thought were very important in the article was the first sentence, and how it relates to America, it is very true and it shines from the first aspect of Japan to modern day. Also connecting different ages of japan's history to other parts; that really made the argument strong. Something that could be improved upon is cutting a sentence or two. When he talks about having a love for uniform, i don't see it as necessary or flowing well with the reat of the paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI probably could have written this a lot better but I was really tired. Future me will get more sleep so I can connect the quotes to the argument better.
ReplyDeleteAside from grammatical mistakes that could possibly be attribute to WIll's being tired, I though the paragraph was great. I loved the connection between WWII, America, and Japan as well as the economic factors that played a role in Japan creating a uniform culture. I also liked the mentioning of how capitalism does not relate to Japan as it allowed for Will to create a unique connection that also made his point. He also used pretty strong diction to make a very good paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the contrast of western culture and japan was relevant and effective. i didnt like how he said "As the article argues" because it seemed forced and choppy. it did not flow very well. i think better openings would strengthen his paper.
ReplyDeleteWill did a good job of contrasting Western Culture and Japan . Will saying that capitalism doesn't relate to Japan as this helps him connect to his point.
ReplyDeleteWill did superb job of giving the facts clearly and with examples. Especially with the bit about Americans wanting to outshine each other because of the capitalist system, brilliant. He uses a good quote to reinforce his argument and while I would have liked to see another, this one does quite well for itself. Besides grammatical mistakes this is a solid piece.
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