"While reading the assigned documents, one may find lots of information regarding African culture and African education. For instance, in the document "The Duel," the author narrates a story that teaches the reader about the origin beliefs of Egypt. In the document "The Chair Carrier," the author narrates a story from his point of view. The story describes how important faith is to the Carrier and how everyone is oblivious to his devotion carrying the chair. From "Sundiata," the importance of the griot is revealed. Without the griot, there would be no morals to be learned, there would be no lessons to be taught, and there would be no progress to better our world. From African studies, one can find lessons on devotion, religion, and morals. These three components make up the unique civilizations that we know today, and they teach us about the culture and the spiritual wellbeing of the African people."
I think that the structure is the main issue with this introduction in that I do not feel the thesis is clearly the last sentence. Also, it seems like there is too much separation of the three works. It is unclear how they will be connected together and how they connect with the points in the thesis. I believe all of the components are there, it is just how they are connected that is the problem. It is simply the structure that needs to be changed.
ReplyDeleteIn this introduction the thesis and the points for the body paragraphs are not clearly expressed. This is a huge problem because basically those are the reasons an essay has a introduction. For this introduction to be acceptable it must be completely revised.
ReplyDeleteI feel Wady should have used transitional words to flow between his mentioning of the works he would use to have his introduction flow better. Additionally, I would like to see Jacoby connect the specific works of literature and his thesis. All in all, this is a solid introduction from Wady.
ReplyDeleteWelp, i would like to recognize the beauty of a WJ passage... R.I.P. Regarding the passage, i thought it was bland. the syntax was very structured and uninteresting. I also have no idea what griot is so as a reader i feel lost.
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