"Diversity is a ood things; without it, there would be no self esteem or pride. It is a pitiful thing for one country to fantasize about taking over the others. The ideas of all societies differ and it is important that they differ. When a hostile culture goes awry and wishes itself the strongest, it is compromising millions of ideas an objects that hold meaning to the millions of people living there. In Moo-Bone Madness. regions are at war. Ideas of both sides are being clashed and pitted against each other in the glorious and horrific act of war. 'The British commander decided it was time to crush the Zaghawa once and for all. he set out in a fleet of armored cars, carrying guns. En route other tribes fled from these terrible monsters as they saw them .. and rode out on horseback to meet his enemy.' The chief and the commander are put against each other and the ideas clash, this causes great upset between the two, for they are too different from one another and being different must be a bad thing. With this fight over the plot of thought, only many will vanquish. No side will win."
I found this to be a very strong argument, especially in its diction. The phrase "glorious and horrific act of war," as well as the last two sentences, paint vivid pictures and definitely convince the reader. Aside from a few grammatical/structural errors, the piece is extremely strong. The semicolon and gradual definition of diversity through pronouns each contribute effectively to the argument. Also, the hypothetical clash between cultures creates another vivid image for the reader. All in all, the argument is great in its content along with its rhetorical techniques.
ReplyDeleteConor was very successful with this excerpt. He succeeded in moving from the general to specific (diversity as a broad topic towards Moon Bone Madness itself). He also was able to successfully convey his opinions on war and diversity without becoming biased, which would cloud his objective viewpoint. Since I do have to critique this, I think the sentence beginning, "Ideas of both sides..." seems odd. I think it would have made more sense to say, "Both sides are clashing ideas and cultures in the glorious and horrific act of war." Overall a rock-solid argument.
ReplyDeleteConor does an excellent job in his transitions. His quotes connect the purpose of his argument to the individual passages. this is very effective because it shows how diversity directly impacted Africa. his diction is also very strong. the use of "and" with "clashed and pitted" makes the argument stronger. they emphasize the importance of the glorious AND horrific act of war.
ReplyDeleteI did an excellent job as far a creating a vivid picture for the readers one thing i believe i could improve on is my grammar and punctuation that now that im reading it over is shaky at best.
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