Here is an excerpt from JD's paper. What are its strengths? How can he empower it?
"The head was also important in Asaro culture. In 'The Asaro Mudmen of Papua New Guinea,' it is shown that especially in war, the Arsaros wore mud masks to conceal their identities when they raided another tribe. The masks were a sign of violence and dominance. European civilization would disrupt the violent culture surrounding the masks: 'When the missionaries came, we gave up a lot of traditions, but we held on to the tradition of the mud masks. We don't use them for killing, just for dancing.' This instance is almost the opposite of the mokomokai. The missionaries now believed that the masks were only for dancing. Even though this was peaceful, it was a loss of true indigenous culture due to the spread of religion in colonization. This now meant that the masks meant different things to different people. This was a conflict in the manner that the Europeans had a different perception of the Asaros than the Asaros had of themselves. The colonization led to an adaptation in Asaro culture."
Joe made some great points here and I am pretty sure I used the same quote/example. He did a great job of making his point and connecting it to an overall purpose/thesis. I can also tell that he had a good transition between paragraphs based on his use of "also" in his topic sentence. To strengthen this paragraph even more, I believe he should have used a better word than "shown" in the 2nd sentence since it is frowned upon by most graders. He could have used something like demonstrated. Besides that though, it was a very strong paragraph.
ReplyDeleteJoe's argument is extremely strong here. I really like his quote and the meat of his paragraph was extremely strong, especially the last line, which connected and tied everything together very well. My only problem is his first line, which doesn't really make a lot of sense. I would have preferred he write about colonization and adaptation in that line.
ReplyDeleteJoe does a good job making his point and connecting it to everything. He could of empowered his his paper by using different words to make his point. he does a really nice paper here.
ReplyDeleteJoe had a powerful argument and a solid essay, some word choice i feel like was a little off and he could have shortened his quotes, this is probably from this shortness of the excerpt that was provided but a lot of the paragraph was quote not explanation.
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