Here is an excerpt from JD's paper. What are its strengths? How could he empower it?
"The author takes a different approach but reaches the same conclusion in 'The Building of Brasilia.' Rather than approach the cultural problems of greed through emotions, the author intentionally gains the audiences' attention and achieves his purpose at the same time. By beginning his passhe with the Kubitschek's motivations and aspirations, and then closing with his remarkable accomplishments, he distracts his audience. In doing this, he can mention negative aspects of Kubitschek's reigns, criticize his flaws, while still appearing to be a supporter of his rule. His shadow is casted especially when he says 'no one denied that an astonishing feat - building an entire city - had been accomplished in under four years.' This effectively supports his purpose of appearing to build Brasilia, while actually criticizing the wealth and scandal of Kubitschek. Thus, his middle paragraph is effective in analyzing the greed aspect of Latin American culture because he masks it behind the glory of Kubitschek."
Joe's passage is strong here. He shows he is a diligent reader by making note of the author's purpose and intentions in how he organized the piece. However, it is unclear if Joe has an understanding of the author's overall stance on Brasilia and Kubitschek, and this takes away from the piece.
ReplyDeleteJoe made a strong argument though I feel that he could have added a little more information to strengthen certain points even further. His use of the word "this" weakens what he says as it can sometimes be unclear what is being referred to. He could also provide a little more explanation to his example. While it was a great choice and somewhat explained, its relevance or applicability could still be questioned. Thus, I would encourage Joe to simply add one or two more sentences to elaborate on his points as that can never hurt. Overall though, it was a great piece.
ReplyDeleteI liked the sentence in the beginning with the greed and emotion, i felt that was a really strong diction choice since it made me feel something. The quote in the start of the passage was weird and it didn't really add anything to the passage or the argument in my opinion. This passage could definitly be read through and improved but in the end it is a very solid paragraph.
ReplyDeleteConnor, i think the opening would make more sense if the entire passage was there. Also i agree with kyle. I have a horrible habit of using this to open sentences. That, along with better support of my quotes, i feel as though i could have successfully argued my point. Thanks guys.
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